TW: Mental health, r*pe
This is a social experiment for someone without a social life.
Whilst painting my face with Urban Decay All Nighter foundation before work this afternoon, it suddenly occurred to me that I should start a blog. Honestly, it’s the most excited I’ve been in some time and I almost never act on impulse, so HERE WE GO LADS. I had this very earnest idea of documenting my recovery as a survivor of sexual assault, emotionally manipulative relationships and really misguided fashion choices whilst I am still recovering, so I don’t present this idealised image contributing to the ‘it gets better’ fantasy. I can detail the ups and downs, there’s no need to shy away from imperfections. So, I could do that but I fear I don’t have the discipline to keep a well structured collected of posts, nor do I have the charisma to command an audience of loyal followers dying to hear about all the progress I’m definitely making. I am using this blog to serve a dual purpose – firstly, I need to improve my writing skills which are at an all time low, despite a recently recognised pile of privilege, and secondly, I would like to indulge my narcissism and write about the wonder that is my life. A walking cliche, I am about to go back to university after a forced interruption due to an especially intense bout of female hysteria, and what kind of English student doesn’t have a side chick blog? It would help if I had a particular skill or craft I could showcase, however a couple of symptoms of mental instability include being unable to maintain attention long enough to complete a project or feeling such intense self-loathing that you find yourself destroying any creation. Yes, that is the type of wry humour you can expect from me. Before my interruption, I thought I was getting pretty good at writing and artsy shit, but I am so out of practise that I honestly could not bear to call myself either a writer or an artist. So what can I call myself at the moment?
I am A, I am 21 years old, I am very confused.
This blog is NOT about finding myself, goddammit. One thing I can say is that the few times I have felt a true sense of self have never been whilst my eyes are glued to a screen, but I need some space to make some analyses on those experiences. I don’t know if I actually was feeling a sense of self, or if I was just so immersed in a situation that I compelled myself to find revelations about my personality. Or, it could have been the fact that I was putting myself in very different situations/environments that are challenging for me, and I feel pressured to view this as meaningful in some way. Isn’t that one of our ultimate goals as human beings, trying to figure out who we are/the meaning of life? Enough of that, I am a lowly internet person, trying to think of a catchy tagline for her blog, that’s all. I am figuring this out as I go. So, yes, I want to document my recovery, but I’m not going to sugar coat anything, nor am I looking to gain any attention. Film producers will not read any of my posts and see the potential for an inspiring lifetime movie, and that’s okay. This whole private exploration of thought is literally what diaries are for, but I find typing very satisfying and my eyes keep darting to the word count in the bottom right hand corner and feeling an increasing self of accomplishment. Is narcissism really the purpose of this blog? Maybe I should be on Tumblr.
Also, I’m a slut for regulations and organisation so I could never forgive myself if I didn’t set out a list of expectations for myself. Plus, it gives me another set of impossible standards by which to judge myself. So far:
- I hope to post everyday? I mean, I won’t. But that’s the idea
- Posts will initially be very boring whilst I am settling in, but I hope to eventually write about some of my interests, opinion pieces and shit like that. Like with anything in its early stages, this has the capacity to become something special??
- I will try to stop drawing attention to things like follower count, views etc but also not blame myself for living in a time where numbers are everything
- I ain’t using real names
- I will ALWAYS include trigger warnings and image descriptions to ensure my blog is on its way to being fully accessible
- In homage to Bridget Jones, I think it’ll be cute to include stats in every post: Food consumed, cigarettes, location, assignment updates and something about personal care without being too gross
A, don’t give up after this first post. It felt good to write without filter, when proofreading, you were mostly satisfied with your writing style and effort to use a variety of literary techniques. You felt like Jane from Jane the Virgin. You love her. And, you saw the potential for this to grow and become something important. Yes, I have been throwing the word ‘narcissism’ around far too liberally, but I still hold onto a desire to help people and if there’s any chance I can turn this into something people read to feel better etc, that will be such a pleasure. It feels so meta to be analysing the whole format of blogging on a blogpost, I wonder if it comes across this way. Which reminds me, it wouldn’t hurt to snoop on other personal blogs and look for effective ways to write, but conforming is not fun. I’m about to hit 1,000 words and it is fast approaching 2.30am so this feels like a good place to stop.
I already feel better.
Typing feels good.